This is True Grit
by ciliaclu9
Summary: Let us venture into the lives of the Death Eaters, for they may not be what they seem. Rated T for crazy humour.
1. Severus's All Time Low

This is True Grit

My name is Severus Snape, and I'm the only sane one of the Death Eaters. But you know that. I am also the most loved Harry Potter character and am on Maxim's 100 Hottest Warlocks for seven straight years. But you also know that. What you don't know is that I am a two-face, a spy. That's right, I work for the MI6 and CIA at the same time. No, really. I am also Alan Rickman, also known as The Amazing Rick Man to Muggles. They love me. I'm like, the best Slytherin ever and way better than James Potter, which is evident because that sucker's dead. Everyone should know that. And I do not have greasy hair, now stop hinting at it people.

But right now I was in the bathroom, standing stiffly near the loo, waiting for the Dark Lord to call me from his bathtub to fetch him another something.

"I want your ugly I want your revenge..." Voldemort sang quite terribly as he shaved his legs very slowly and meticulously. He had told told me he couldn't afford to get any razor burns ("How am I going to keep my followers loyal with my custom of teasing them with my upper thighs when there are razor burns on them?").

I sighed in annoyance while he caused me some more discomfort by doing other various types of strange things. Well don't blame me, I've been doing this for years! "My lord, are you sure you wouldn't prefer me to wait outside?"

At this Voldemort stroked his chin with his spider-like fingers, seeming to be in deep thought, but was most likely just trying to remember the other lyrics in that Muggle song, by Lady Haha or something akin to that. Trying to avoid looking at him, I stared at the floor uncomfortably while trying not to appear impolite. The Dark Lord had a tendency to find the most ordinary situations extremely inappropriate.

After a few moments, he seemed to have reached a conclusion and said, "Severus, I'd like it if you stayed here. What if I needed something?" He scratched his back. "Besides, you're the only one of my minions worthy to see me naked," he said, just a hint of suggestiveness in his voice.

Yes, it was hard being me sometimes.

The Dark Lord wiggled his nonexistent eyebrows. 


	2. Bellatrix gets Glammed Up

They kept telling Bellatrix how unkempt she was. They've been telling her off for disastrous hair and teeth for years. Even Narcissa wouldn't touch her anymore! Said she was too filthy and that she should learn to be more like Lucius.

"But Cissy," she had complained back earlier. "I'm not gay!"

Bellatrix's own sister, whom she'd thought had been forced entirely into submission by her, had done some very painful things to her with that dragonhide purse after.

"Fine, be difficult!" Narcissa had shot back. "Go back to rummaging around in a waste bin or whatever it is that makes you so dirty, see if I care!" She'd clicked away in her heels with her gay husband and gay son and gay purse and gay hair.

In her defence, it had been a very beautiful trash can in a posh Muggle hotel. She's found countless treasures in there! Bellatrix still had that used Kleenex on her top shelf. Rodolphus had said it was disgusting, even for her, but then Bellatrix had shown him just how disgusting she could be and he never said a word against her treasures again.

And now she was actually putting on an effort to look clean by washing her clothes and shoes and hair and armpits and ears. Bellatrix tried to get the toothpaste onto the toothbrush, but it hadn't been used for a decade and got all stiff and strange-smelling. She soon gave up and used a spell to Sue-ify her teeth.

After standing in her room nervously for half an hour, Bellatrix took a deep breath and stepped outside. It was like being born again, except her mum was dead. And she wasn't all gross and sticky. Yessir, Bellatrix Lestrange was all glammed up and pretty and ready to rock and roll.

Almost immediately, Narcissa strode past, but sensing a change in the air, perhaps the lack of sewer smells wafting from her sister's room, she stopped and blanched at the sight before her.

"Oh my Lady Gaga. . ." She murmured, staring up at Bellatrix. "You look. . . wonderful, Bella!" Bellatrix was engulfed by the first hug she's gotten from her sister in fourteen years.

Bellatrix was so very proud of herself and hugged her sister back eagerly, but then Narcissa got this funny look in her eyes and started telling her how incredibly hot she looked, and she thought to herself while shying away from her sister, 'Never again!'


	3. Barty and The Mutt

Barty Crouch Jr. was waking up the whole manor by running from Yaxley's new dog and screeching bloody murder.

"!" Lucius said as he walked into the hallway in only his boxers. Barty faintly thought he and Narcissa must have been having quite a night. And they were disturbed by him. Naturally, Lucius could not be very happy about that, for he casted a quick Stupefy on the damned mutt and gave Barty the most murderous look that spoke of great levels sexual frustration because he was interrupted.

This was the fourth time.

"Why can't the Dark Lord just get rid of him?" pleaded Barty as he tried to catch his breath. "Because the Dark Lord does not have time for such petty nuisances. And frankly, Yaxley is further up his Most Loyal Followers list than you are. Of course, still behind me," said Lucius smugly.

Barty sputtered indignantly, "You've got to be kidding me!"

"Am I laughing?" Looking tired and impatient, Lucius approached him menacingly. "I've already been lenient enough, Crouch. But if you ever wake us all up again, I will do you in." At that moment, Narcissa peeked out of their door (scantily clad, if he might add) and beckoned for her Lucius, and Barty was extremely thankful for her because she'd saved him from certain death for the time being.

He hurried away to do some thinking about what to do about the mutt before the Malfoys went on one of their sexual escapades again, but not before kicking the dog brutally once.

Over the next couple of days, Barty constructed a complex mutt-proof security system in his shoe. He named it Barty's Complex Mutt-Proof Security System and put it on the market for sale. Every time the wicked creature approached him, he'd play Muggle Justin Beaver music and watch the animal writhe.

Nevertheless, the battery wore out and he could not get another one because the Dark Lord ordered him to disguise as Mad Eye Moody to get to Potter in the Triwizard Tournaments. Of course, he had had no choice in the matter (unless he wanted to get AK-ed) and sulkily got to work. And the whole time he was at Hogwarts, the dog followed him in his dreams and occasional hallucinations. He had to do something, he had to do something to get rid of that dog once and for all.

Pacing to and fro in his pathetically tiny teacher's quarters, he finally thought up a plan. Everything suddenly seemed quite clear. Oh, it was the most brilliant plan he's had! Barty was extremely excited for the next day, when he would execute it. That night he went to sleep in anticipation.

"There." Barty dusted off his hands and stood to admire his work.

Everything was finally solved, all his troubles and nightmares and the occasional hallucinations of mutant puppies. Oh yeah, he had just accomplished the greatest deed since the Dark Lord totally defeated Potter fourteen years ago, because the Dark Lord said Potter pulled a sneaky and therefore unfairly destroyed him. And the Dark Lord's word was law, no matter how dodgy that law was. But enough of that, this moment was wholly for him.

He had just turned his father into a bone. 


	4. Draco and The Crush

A/N: Thanks to those who reviewed, they make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. And to address the confusion out there, you're probably confused because I wrote this when I was high. I get high very easily, and I apologize for that if i have caused any of you to become discombobulated. I _am_ able to write lucidly, believe it or not, but I input all of my hyperactive imagination into here, these strange, wrong scenarios. I ask of you all to not do away with me for my habits of taking in too much sugar at once.

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><p>It was a fine afternoon at Hogwarts. But just the fact that it was Hogwarts meant there was no sun or blue sky outside, even with the pleasant temperature. Many had gone to Hogsmeade, probably to go gorge on sweets or spend all their savings, but Draco had decided to stay inside today. It was true that he didn't want to see Crabbe and Goyle around him for once, but there was the other pressing reason he didn't go: Draco thought he was in love with the Mudblood.<p>

He initially laughed at himself for even suspecting that, but a few moments later had him not quite so sure anymore. After some panicked thinking, Draco had decided to visit the library and see what the books could tell him about his ailment. Of course, it was only an ailment, Malfoys couldn't possibly fancy Mudbloods!

"Wait until your father hears about this," Draco muttered to himself, striding down a deserted corridor. "Won't he just whip you completely for this, you foolish bugger."

The truth was, ever since Granger had delivered that jaw-numbing blow, he had grown a bit of respect for her. It grudgingly grew, but Draco never showed that bit of reverence on the outside, though he would go to sleep wondering how to beat her in his classes. Draco had thought her as a worthy opponent, at first. But that was at first. Now he found himself bloody daydreaming about that insolent, vile, shrewd, intriguing, wonderful -

An emergency alarm blared in his head. Furious, he made himself stop. It had been going on like that for a while, but now was the first time he thought of it as a crush. If only he'd thought of it earlier, he thought ruefully, maybe he could have extinguished it from the start.

Draco turned into the library silently, walking briskly across the carpeted floor to a shelf by the study desks. Then, looking around to make sure no one was watching, he went down the aisle, looking for the right book that would tell him about this annoying emotion.

"How To Brew a Love Potion, Does Your Witch Love You, The Secrets to Enlarging Your - bloody hell, no." Draco gagged and bent down to scan another row of the many dusty books on the shelves. He thought he spotted the right one, and confidently pulled it out, reading the cover. "Infamous exploits with an Oepidus Complex?" Disgusted, he put it back, accidentally nudging a book next to it. It fell on his hand painfully and Draco winced. He snatched it off the shelf while spouting numerous profanity.

Draco was going to ram it against a desk, but the gold and flamboyant title caught his eye. He stood straight smugly; he had found it.

Anxiously, he flipped through the answer to his petty troubles. Maybe he could find a cure to this and also discover how to kill a sweet old man like Dumbledore in the process. After all, he really couldn't be expected to be able to resist his headmaster's twinkling eyes and AK him. Who did the Dark Lord think he was, forcing Draco to do it?

"Eureka!" Draco found the right page. He read aloud, "To get rid of a crush on Hermione Granger, one must either gouge one's eyes out, drink acid whilst thinking of said 'crush,' or spend some quality time with one's Auntie Bellatrix and let her view all your thought about said 'unworthy scum,' she will be sure to fix you up." Draco swallowed. All of these options sounded scary and painful. Determined not to give up, he read on.

"To brew the correct and most agonizing kind of acid to drink: Add two flasks of Snape's sneer - no, no, no, next," Draco skipped that section. "To gouge one's eyes out, one must have a clean and pliable spoon on hand and some rags to bite with one's teeth whilst doing the gouging." Draco shuddered and decided to avoid getting nightmares by moving on.

"To reserve a Leglimency/torture session with Bellatrix Lestrange, one must contact Rodolphus Lestrange and/or You-Know-Who. Please do not do otherwise, Mrs. Lestrange does not accept walk-ins with leniency. Also, be aware that Mrs. Lestrange may or may not accidentally turn one into a vegetable in the session."

Draco was practically sobbing now, how was he going to survive like this? He wanted nothing more than to forget everything and go home crying into his mother's arms. He wanted to drink his troubles away. Draco bowed his head sadly, wishing he had gone to Hogsmeade. Even his goons Crabbe and Goyle were tolerable as a distraction. Damn that Mudblood Granger for enticing him! If it went on like this Draco would probably be buying her flowers the next morning! He felt ill suddenly; Draco was a bit allergic to pollen. His nose itched at the mention of pollen but he shook his head resolutely. He would take it out on Potter later.

Sniffing, Draco was about to close the worthless book when he spotted a note at the bottom of the page through his bleary eyes. Whispering, he read, "If one does not feel comfortable with any of these options, there is one other solution. Go buy them flowers the next morning."


	5. Narcissa gets Polyjuiced

Narcissa gets Polyjuiced

Narcissa woke up feeling like someone else. Literally. She had gawked in front of the mirror when she woke up, silently screaming so as not to wake Lucius up. After her shock she realized she had to do something about it, so that's why she was currently hiding in her spacious closet.

"WHY ME!" She bawled into one of Lucius's best cloaks. "Why did I have to wake up as bloody Potter?" Narcissa was worried; she couldn't even stand the sight of herself. There was that horrid scar on her forehead and so much hair! It was everywhere on her body, the legs, arms, belly, even her head! She would be taking a bath and shaving everything off if her husband and dozens of menacing Death Eaters were not asleep in her house right now. So she continued wailing into Lucius's poor sleeve.

Narcissa had suspected it was their house elf Trollene immediately, the one that Lucius had taken from Hogwarts, because she was the last elf Narcissa had punished. Yesterday, she had ordered Trollene to heave ten tons of bricks for two hours because her lunch was cold. Well, it was freezing, Narcissa thought sniffily. That was no incentive for the damn house elf to sneak her Polyjuice. It was all Trollene's fault about everyone in the Manor would wake up and want to do her in.

She gasped, the closet had opened and she could see a faint outline of Lucius in the doorway. She scooted into a dark corner and hid behind some of Lucius's dresses (he liked to cross-dress) as Lucius yawned. Gods, she could smell his morning breath from twenty feet away! Lucius turned the light on and she could see his drowsiness in all his glory.

Even if half-awake, Lucius still arrogantly sauntered to the side of the closet that held his many outfits. Narcissa inwardly swore; he walked right in front of her, she could see his feet a few inches before her. She faintly thought this must be a Friday. Lucius loved his kinks on Fridays.

That meant he was going to be looking for her, for a little something in the morning.

"Narcissa, darling?" He called, and Narcissa almost fell over at how loud he was. "Narcissa, where are you, I'd like to show you how delectable I look in this!"

Narcissa stayed silent and she could sense her husband start to get impatient. If she survived this morning she was going to be in for it tonight, she thought. "NARCISSA!" Lucius shouted, taking her by surprise and causing her to squeal in a deep voice.

Lucius must have sensed that the voice was foreign, because he crouched down suddenly and snatched her out of her hiding spot in a flash. "Aha!" He held Narcissa by the collar while she tried to not panic and get herself AK-ed. She couldn't think of anything to say, was she supposed to tell Lucius he was her husband? Last she checked, Lucius was not queer.

Lucius was still holding her roughly. "So, Potter, you thought you could infiltrate us by dressing up in my wife's clothes and hiding in our closet, did you?" He shook her for emphasis. "Well, you were dead wrong and the consequence is you being AK-ed by the Dark Lord in five hours!"

Narcissa could not help asking, "Why five hours?"

Hesitantly, Lucius said, "Er. . the Dark Lord does not wake up until noon. ." Clearing his throat, he asked, "Where is my wife, by the way? If I find out you've done something to her, I will let all the Death Eaters preserve your body and take turns screwing it!"

Holy shishkabob, that was not good. Feeling oh so strong now, Narcissa jumped away from her husband and took her wand out, pointing it at him threateningly. "Lucius. . ." She said warningly.

"Shut up Potter, you do not deserve to call me by my full and glorious name. Where is Narcissa?" He waved his wand at me in turn.

"I am Narcissa, Lucius. I was polyjuiced by Trollene, that's why I am wearing these clothes. Now put your wand down so you can calmly go ask Severus to brew me a potion so that I return to normal," said Narcissa slowly. Lucius seemed to not know what to say at this, so he growled at her. Narcissa growled back fiercely. Lucius, never to be bested, did a low and dangerous one. She returned it and threw a hangar at him for good measure. The two Malfoys stayed like this for God knows how long, each trying to out-roar the other.

Lord Voldemort woke up because he heard a strange noise coming from Lucius's room. Sleepily, he walked to their room, thinking Lucius was in hot water again and that he would have to tell Narcissa to keep from killing one of his loyalest followers. From outside, he heard weird howling and all sorts of clamour, things likely being thrown around carelessly and feral cries.

He chuckled to himself, relieved. The Malfoys were at it again.


	6. Rodolphus Gets Smart

Rodolphus Gets Smart

He was just sitting there, on that dreary day, his bum getting flatter with every minute. Rodolphus was only so glum because Bellatrix had shunned his every move to get closer to her. Yes, contrary to popular belief, Rodolphus actually loved his wife. It certainly seemed quite the opposite in Bella's case, Rodolphus thought sadly. If only he could get one chance, if he could get within two feet of his wife and not be glared at menacingly. Merlin, sometimes he reckoned that Bella thought that he was going to bloody rape her, for heaven's sake!

Bellatrix always runs back to the Dark Lord every single time, Rodolphus thought darkly. How did his wife even see anything in their master? If he didn't know better, Rodolphus would have thought Bellatrix to actually yearn to make hybrid, grotesque babies with the Dark Lord, because he certainly wasn't human.

Miserable that his own wife thought a grotesque non-human better than him, Rodolphus resorted to the Muggle method and tried to eat away his sorrow in front of the telly he stole from Snape, holding a bag of those crunchy "chips," Muggles called it. After half an hour, he was feeling much better and propped his feet up on the table, chewing happily. Rodolphus was watching a show where a neglected man realizes he didn't need his wife to have a life and goes out to a nightclub and gets all the women he liked. 'Too bad that'll never be me,' Rodolphus thought. He really wouldn't know what to do if he abandoned Bellatrix.

"Is your wife neglecting you for another man that's not worth half of you?" Rodolphus scrambled to catch the bag of chips he dropped and stared at the screen, where a knowledgeable-looking Muggle was looking knowingly back at him. "Well, here, on the Marriage Rescue show, we will help you to find all the solutions to your troubled marriage problems! On this show, we have conducted various surveys and experiments to find out what works and what doesn't!"

Rodolphus turned away while the Muggle continued spewing knowledgeable stuff he didn't care about. All of his tiny brain was focused on one thing: what this meant for his and Bella's problem. "Bloody hell," he breathed. Maybe Muggles weren't all that bad.

His train of thought was interrupted by the announcer practically shouting the first question, "First of all, are you a reasonably good-looking guy?"

Rodolphus looked into the mirror and tried to ignore all the meh-ness on his face. "I should say so, yes. . ." He rushed back to the couch.

"If no," The man said, " I'm sorry, but I can't help you. It's against the laws of science, really. If yes, well then, your wife must be missing out on some snazziness, eh?" He winked. This boosted Rodolphus's ego ten times. He's never felt better in ages!

"Next, has your wife shown any affection to you at all?"

Rodolphus racked his brain. "Not that I know of, no." He suddenly felt sad again.

"If yes, she must be quite the manipulative creature, you want to watch out! No? Never you fear, I guarantee that after watching this you'll have all the right moves to uncover that part of her she's been hiding from you!" Rodolphus squealed with delight.

A few more questions were answered, Rodolphus beginning to feel hope with every single assurance the telly sent his way. He could do this.

"Does she like flowers?"

"She likes to watch them wither."

"Is she shy?"

"Not at all. One time she mooned the Dark Lord. . . in public," said Rodolphus darkly.

"Is she fond of animals?"

"I think not, her sister Narcissa saved a horse once and kept it as a pet, but Bella killed it overnight. Only I know this."

"Have you ever done anything permanently damaging emotionally or physically?"  
>He asked.<p>

Rodolphus smiled. He never raped her, so nothing the matter physically. He never mentally raped her, so nothing emotionally, either. The only time they sodomized was on their wedding night (it was required) and that was basically her raping him.

"Thank you for taking the time to answer these questions, sirs, please stay for your results. Rodolphus swallowed. This advice that he was going to get from this show, will possibly help him with Bella. Next time she fails to capture Potter, she'll come to him. Rodolphus thought this dreamily, drooling a bit. The man came on again after the commercial break.

It turned out that to win Bella's heart back, he'll have to dress up as the Dark Lord, rape her, and become the welcoming, warm, Roddy when she cries because her favorite person(?) treated her like filth.

He was just worried she'd like it.


	7. Lucius Listens to the Radio

A/N: Hello again! Please review to help me keep having the motivation to keep writing. Otherwise, I might just keep all my crazy thoughts in my brain and one day explode from all the pressure. We wouldn't want that, would we?

Lucius Listens to the Radio

His feet was tapping on the floor in its immaculate leather shoes. Where was Narcissa? She said that she would spend some quality time with him together today, yet off she goes with her deranged sister, doing something behind his back. He really needs to go spy on them sometime. Bellatrix might be planning some kind of rebellion and push him off his throne and take Narcissa for herself. Just a hunch, but Lucius had been suspecting this for some time.

Nonsense, he was thinking nonsense. But what if - oh, blast it all!

It was getting draughty in here. Lucius rubbed his hands together and wondered why he didn't agree to Narcissa's request of purchasing an A/C-thingy. Lucius shivered and quickly stood up. Malfoys don't shiver. He needed some way to warm up. Lucius listed in his head the options he had.

To warm up, he could:  
>a) Try to steal Rodolphus's supply of Bellatrix's lady things. b) Take a bath in hot water. No, he'd be too cold afterwards.<br>c) Stay in Wormtail's room for an hour and roast in the toxic fumes.  
>d) Narcissa. Wait, she wasn't here! Damn that woman.<br>e) Exercise in some way. Dancing, perhaps?

Lucius decided the best choice was the last option. He didn't have quite enough strength to think of any more. Thinking was a very energy-consuming thing for Lucius. He looked around the spacious room. No one but him and his beloved furniture, all dusty and beautiful.

Alright, to dance, he would need some music. Certainly not the Wyrd Sisters, scruffy little singers they were. Lucius sighed. He would have to do some more thinking. "Oh, bother," he said.

He thought and thought and thought, until his hands were freezing and his teeth chattering. Finally, he raised his wand. "Ahem," he cleared his throat. Lucius suddenly forgot what he was thinking of and spent a few more minutes remembering it. "Oh, yes! Accio raidy-o," he said. This was the perfect time to experiment with the strange device he'd stolen from Rodolphus, who in turn had stolen it from Bellatrix, predictably.

The raidy-o flew to him and he set it on a desk and straightened its antenna. "Okay, raidy-o. I command you to go." The mysterious raidy-o did nothing but sit there.

"Go."

"Start."

"Hello?"

"This is Lucius Malfoy speaking."

"Good morning?"

"Turn on, you bugger."

"Why isn't Narcissa here?"

"Turn on, for Merlin's sakes!"

"I'm hungry."

"Ennervate!"

"Oh wait, there's a power button." Lucius hastily pressed it and jumped when a crackling sound was heard. He inspected the raidy-o; if he broke it Narcissa was sure to give him a hard night. She must be very close to her sister, after all. Here Lucius becamed annoyed and banished all thoughts of that subject. "Are you broken? I did press the power button, you know," Asked Lucius to the raidy-o.

As if it had heard him, the raidy-o blared out, "Blooo-o-o-oo-ooow!"

"Holy mother of Wormtail!" Lucius shrieked in a totally unmanly sort of way and changed the station. Muggles really were as bad as he thought! He would have to tell Draco he knew about his. . . infatuation before it was too late. One of his greatest fears was losing his heir to a Mudblood. No matter how nice her clothes were.

His train of thought instantly crashed as the most horrible, strumming-ish sound invaded his ears. Lucius exaggeratedly gagged and splatted onto the sofa in the most graceless manner. The next sound that came from the damned thing, a horrendous cadence that could be mistaken for the bringer of death, altogether exploded his poor, poor eardrums.

Officially brain-dead, Lucius dazedly turned his head toward the radio that was screaming slurred words he couldn't fit together. Gods, he was so going to cause an apocalypse later if the next station was also on Operation: Annihilate Lucius's Sanity.

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><p>"Ladidadidadumdoo. ." Narcissa was just coming home after ditching her sister by a lingerie shop when she heard the most peculiar clamour resonating across the hall. It seemed like a combination of passionate wailing, a banshee's cries, and - was that hollering? It all sounded to her very much like Bella's sounds when she was in the loo.<p>

Curiously, Narcissa opened the door to the master bedroom. The sight she saw made her drop her bags and claw at her weak heart.

It seemed he had forgotten all about dancing, because Lucius was holding Narcissa's hairbrush and screeching the words to some song all the Muggles were talking about.

"Never mind, I'll fiiiiiind someone like youuuu!" Lucius "sang" on, not seeing Narcissa. She held her head and wondered what outfit she should wear to the apocalypse.


	8. Yaxley and the Voice Changer

Yaxley and the Voice Changer

It was a rather queer Muggle device he'd found on a raid. Snape had told him it reminded him of Lily (everything did), and asked to keep it for himself. Yaxley had scoffed and said he wanted it. It was very fetch, he told a sobbing Snape, who had bundled himself up in his black robes and begun rocking back and forth. Everyone knew that fetch was Yaxley's thing.

Yaxley couldn't discern its shape. It was like one of those lethal Muggle wands he kept seeing in Muggle London. Someone was pointing it at a clerk because they wanted to steal some turnips. However, this device he was holding was round and didn't seem very deadly. Bloody hell, it was purple!

It was a voice changer, Yaxley discovered, after torturing the truth out of an eight year-old. There were switches on the thingy and letters that didn't give him one clue as to how to use it. For some time, Yaxley was satisfied with just scaring Lucius by pointing it at him and pressing the trigger. Frankly, Lucius ran like mad even when nothing came at him. He never trusted Muggle things.

On one fateful day, Yaxley was strolling in the park, scaring people away with his glare, and twirling the voice changer in his hand. The Muggles still ran away, but all the while staring at him strangely. Oh well, what did they know? Then, a dog barked from behind him and, turning around, Yaxley was greeted with the sight of a huge black dog charging at him. Considerably scared, Yaxley pointed the Muggle thingy at it, and the dog yelped and turned tail.

"That's right! Go run back to your owner, you coward!" Shouted Yaxley after the dog. He continued walking on, but a loud sound from the voice changer in his hand scared him out of his wits. That dog's bark! Yaxley eyed the object, and remembered he pressed the trigger on the thing, perhaps that was how he recorded the sound!

Yaxley pressed the trigger and cautiously spoke into the nozzle of the object. "Hello?" And his own voice said back to him a moment later. Enlightened by the revelation, Yaxley Apparated back to the Manor and played with the switches in his room. He couldn't wait to show the Dark Lord, they were going to troll Potter so much with this!

The switches all had different options, and he played with them all, changing his voice and giggling like a schoolgirl. Yaxley went berserk when he heard his voice all deep and gravelly and sexy as hell, much different from his usual voice, which he suspected had not undergone puberty. It was an understatement to say he was excited. There were so many possibilities, especially if he could permanently change his voice to that. He would woo so many chicks!

Now he sighed. There was no way to set it that option permanently, though. Yaxley stared sadly at the device, suddenly feeling all the weight of reality. But wait. The wizarding world wasn't reality! No one said he couldn't use magic!

Yaxley spent the next two days in his room, trying to invent his very own spell to use the glorious voice from that voice changer as his normal voice. He tried many things, indeed. If one stood outside his room, once in a while, one could heard a series of explosions and shouting from inside. Needless to say, this all worried the senior Malfoys a bit.

""OH, OUR PRECIOUS FURNITURE!" Narcissa wailed into Lucius's shirt.

"THAT DESIGN ON THE CARPET COST ME TWO THOUSAND GALLEONS!" He sobbed, clutching his wife's head. "NARCISSA, WE HAD _SO_ MUCH FUN IN THAT ROOM!" The other Death Eaters in the hall, hearing this, all mysteriously disappeared. No one wanted to hear about the Malfoys' love life.

Finally, Yaxley found the perfect combination of magic. He cast the spell on himself. "_Imsexyandiknowit_," he muttered, waving his wand. Yaxley waited a moment, and opened his mouth experimentally. "Lalalala," he began.

The Malfoys, still standing outside, heard a very gravelly whoop from inside the room they were weeping about. A second later, a very ragged looking Yaxley flew out of the room with a suspicious-looking object, knocking over the two flabbergasted Malfoys. Lucius and Narcissa looked after him as he sprinted to the Dark Lord's room, still in his jammies.

They didn't have to wait long, for there was a high-pitched shriek and one Yaxley was blasted out of Lord Voldemort's room. "OH MY LADY GAGA HE'S SICK EW EW GET HIM AWAY FROM ME! SEVERUS!" A solemn looking Snape hurried to the Dark Lord's room, leaving Lucius to drag Yaxley's unconcious body away, shaking his head. Why would Yaxley be so stupid as to go into their lord's quarters while he was ill? Everyone knew the Dark Lord was germaphobic.

Lucius and Narcissa, as the hosts, were ordered to tend to Yaxley's illness. They all assumed he was sick ("His voice is so hoarse!") and he was confined to bed for a month. When they saw that it might not be some disease and just really, _really_ late puberty, Yaxley was grudgingly let out of bed.

His voice still bothered people, though, like at the Dark Lord's weekly meetings where he vented about his latest nuisance. People still blink and ask him, "I'm sorry, what did you say?" But to himself, Yaxley thought his voice was heaven. Merlin, he could even take Snape!


End file.
